I haven’t touched my writing this week. Haven’t had time. No sir. There’s a 50%-of-my-grade exam on Friday I’ve been studying for, so understandably I’ve been a little creatively-crippled.
That’s a lie actually. I’ve been dying to write all week – because apparently, that’s just how I work. Only when I absolutely cannot let myself sit down to write do I feel like writing. Naturally.
I actually have a theory about this. When I was thirteen, I was chronically depressed with social anxiety. Writing became a literal crutch for me; a distraction and escape from reality. Writing was a coping mechanism. So what do I do when stress levels go through the roof? That’s right, I ignore all my responsibilities to escape into fairy land. Woops.
No, but seriously. This is a massive issue for me. Apparently I’ve associated stress with need-to-write, and every time exams roll around – or any other massive, crushing responsibility – all I can ever think about is writing. Ignoring it, means grueling hours of fighting against what I want to do in favour of what I need to do in an emotionally draining up hill battle that makes me want to tear my hair out. Not a lot of fun. But I’ve tried the alternative too – if I really want to write that desperately, then perhaps I should just get it out of my system, no? No. This ends with me staring at the blinking cursor with the infuriating desire to write, but a guilty conscience so stressed it completely slaughters any actual flow of words I might’ve been consumed by even seconds before I open the document. That’s my life. What fun times I have.
Still working on a solution for this. 8 years later. Wish me luck.
I have however made small, other forms of progress this week.
On Sunday I sat down and roamed across the web to create shameless self-promotion profiles on every social-media outlet I could think of. Naturally. You may’ve already read about this in my post Social Media Whore, where you can find a full list of links to find me across the net, which also appear in no less than three places across my blog. I’m OTT that way.
I also went and followed a whole bunch of new bloggers and commented on a hoard of posts, instead of studying for my impending doom. You may have noticed my procrastination game is strong. That’s why I’m here, upholding my WIP Wednesday commitment less than 72 hours before my exam. Naturally.
And today I discovered that the teen-angst playlist I used to have in the background while writing ages 14-17 still has the ability to put me into writing trance, complete with mental movie and complete lack of engagement in the world around me. I discovered this while taking a delivery at work (psst, I’m a pizza delivery driver. Glamorous, amIright?). So here I am, driving along with Escape The Fate blaring through the speakers, completely dissociated from the world around me as I drive straight past important turn offs to reach peoples houses with story-line for The Shadow Queen playing out in my head – and yes, I am aware that that title doesn’t appear on my WIP list; I know I’m not supposed to be working on it. Apparently I don’t care.
Dry humour and sarcasm aside, at least I made some mental progress on diversifying characterization for both Marianne and Nora (as previously discussed in Characterization and Diversity). Hoorah for small victories, right?
In case you were curious, here’s the writing-trance inducing, dissociation teen-angst playlist I mentioned.